Weird Noms: Pizza Ddeokbokki + the Resulting Food Poisoning

The culprit.
The culprit.

Note to readers: I wrote this post shortly after eating this meal. Little did I know the true havoc it would wreak on me. The next day I woke up vomiting and spent all day with agonizing stomach pain. I had to see a doctor, who diagnosed me with an intestinal irritation (which was likely brought on by this, perhaps also the fact that it was followed by ice cream) and I was forced on a liquid/sludge/soup diet for the better part of a week, about 6 days. I now know the Korean word for diarrhea. Im taking medicine and am not allowed to eat or drink anything colder than room temperature. For your own health and safety… never eat pizza ddeokbokki.

So every once in a while (read: multiple times a week) I look through my kitchen cabinets and think to myself… “I have no food. What am I going to eat? Ughhhh.” I have no friends in my tiny town, since I haven’t gotten around to befriending the over 60 population at the moment (which is about 100% of the population), so I have nobody nearby to call up and eat dinner with at the last minute. I also hate making trips to the grocery store (don’t ask me why… I have no idea) and will wait till the absolute, most dire moment until stocking up again. This is silly, but I’ve already discussed how being an adult is seriously difficult for me, so this is also no surprise.

Usually I can scrape up some obscure vegetable in the corner of a cabinet or find a way to mix rice with something bland, and end up fed all the same, even if it was less than tasty. Today, though, I’d reached a new low. My last reserve, a single cooked onion, had just been exhausted. I literally only had kimchi in my fridge and that did not fly. There was no way I could find a single thing to eat… so I had to venture out into the cold.

And no, I didn’t walk the 6 minutes to the grocery store to pick up groceries, or even drive in my cute new car. I walked one minute to the 711 down the street. I was that lazy. And when you’re that lazy, you’re also that indifferent to what you pick up at the convenience store for dinner. And that is exactly where I was at, today. Indifference, looking in a one-door freezer at microwave meals, in the Korean countryside.

Now if you think microwave dinners are gross, then imagine some of the strangest combinations of food being Koreans normal cuisine, and then taking that to the microwave dinner level. Sick shit. Now imagine that, but (badly) blended with another country’s cuisine, but once again, microwavable. Even sicker shit. Well that, ladies and gentlemen, is exactly where I was at. And the sad truth is this: I bought it.

I bought pizza ddeokbokki.

It looks just about as delicious as it tasted.
It looks just about as delicious as it tasted.

The verdict is this: if I were stuck on a desert island and had only this for food, I’d probably cry for a few hours, get through half a meal, then use the rest of it as fuel for the campfire. It was that gross.

Moral of the story: never buy pizza-korean fusion foods…and definitely, absolutely, no matter what you do, never buy them from 711.

Amendment: R.I.P. My soul and digestive system before this meal

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Have you ever gotten food poisoning? Was it because you were also acting like an idiot? Tell me your story!

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